Is anyone in your life just driving you crazy?
Posted 16 April 2012 - 05:44 PM
I am really having a hard time of it recently with my brother... I mean based on the two times a year he calls me or TEXTS me to let me know what he wants for his birthday or Christmas I really have to assume he could really care less about me.
We just had a falling out over something he posted, which under the circumstances seemed pretty dang racist. Turns out it was an excerpt of something he wrote for school and is set in Vietnam. Well, if it was ME and I felt the need to post it to facebook, I'd probably have the sense to explain to people that the language was intentional based on a theme, and not representative of my own feelings towards any group of people.
But no... I am the bad guy, despite later saying that I understood in retrospect that the language was used for a different purpose, but retiterated that an explanation SHOULD have been given from the get go.
Well, now apparently I am a horrible good for nothing person that is "racist against my family" (probably because I am the same one that told someone in my family that going shoving someone and threatening them and then referring to their race and gender in your facebook status about it was potentially cause for them being charged with a hate crime... oh guess what happened? EXACTLY what I had described might happen) and he never wants to see or hear from me again.
Clearly there is a lot of built up baggage and my brother has taken this as the opportunity to spout off about everything under the sun that he disagrees with me about or dislikes about me... ironic since I used to change his diapers and feed him and drive him around and basically raise him while my mom was working... but you know know I haven't done a damn thing for him ever and I am just worthless because I don't make consumerism and working a 40 hour week my top priority. (I am fortunate not to have to, and my husband have made a conscious decision to split our time and energy between supporting our family and bettering our community).
But you know, I have for a long time sent my siblings gifts that were more generous than they necessarily deserved and it's kind of a laugh that he has such strong opinions of me that must be based completely on what OTHER people say about me. Which leads me to rather resent my mom and my other brother who are definitively the source of all the bad mouthing. My mom is fantastic about making small talk and saying how much she loves and misses you on one hand, and fuming and ranting and bad mouthing you to every other person she has the chance.
It is all just getting to be too much for me to waste energy on. Add to the list of my sins that I haven't been home to visit in almost 4 years. Oh GEE. I wonder why I am not just dying to sink a bunch of money into travel and accomodations to go visit people who must only love me because I was born into their family. Well EFF that. I have plenty of people in my life who actually like me for who I am and they CHOOSE to spend their time with me without having some bizarre tribalist obligation to "love" me and see me and send me seasonal gifts due to inconvenient lineage.
I am never going to live up to their lofty standard of being a backwater bigot who irrationally defends every action my "family" takes, particularly when the action or statement is absolutely wrong. Nor am I going to accept the notion that I am any less of a decent and accomplished person just because the majority of the productive things I do in addition to running a household do not generate a paycheck. I'd like to see my brother try to pull off even half the things I do. There is also some fairytale in my mother's head that the only reason I live in a different state and am frugal with my money is because my husband is controlling and abusive. And it is one thing to have that delusion to validate your hurt feelings, but it is quite another to keep saying it to other people as if it is truth.
The thing that is really getting me right now, is that not that long ago I had to quarentine our family from my inlaws for a similar issue of interpersonal BS... and doing that has been one of the most beneficial things I have done for our family happiness in YEARS. So... do I really need this drama from a little shithead kid who has never bothered to call or write except to ask for presents and who thinks he is suddenly some hardass American Hero since JUST joining the army? He hasn't even been to field training yet! It's really quite ridiculous how much I have NOT gotten out of this relationship. I am finding it hard to figure out why I should even try to care. If your family can't do anything but bad mouth you behind your back and think heredity should excuse their every bad behavior... I don't see the benefit.
I think I am ready to pick and choose my family... "a group of people who care about one another" and stop pretending that some people in my family deserve the title.
Posted 16 April 2012 - 05:57 PM
They are family ONLY by birth.
I know it hurts.
Mine are a piece of work too, except for my Pop, but he's gone now.
"Family" can be anyone you chose them to be. You are a GOOD person, so you should surround yourself
with people that love you and appreciate you and forgot the rest, and move on.
Life is too short. Cherish your son and hubby and say goodbye to the rest.
(And shut down your facebook account. You won't know what you don't read, and who needs the stress?)
Posted 16 April 2012 - 06:27 PM
Good luck, it'll be okay. It's really good to rant about this stuff because it can help clarify what you want to do about it.
Posted 17 April 2012 - 04:54 AM
I agree that we can choose who's going to be our family as we let them to be part of life. And really better to surround ourselves with people who also treat us as their family rather than keep those who just constantly hurting us or giving us stress.
Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:30 AM
Posted 17 April 2012 - 10:18 AM
Hayden would run out of (data) room, if I got started on mine.
Bathe in the light of love I'm sending your way. It'll get better.
Posted 17 April 2012 - 06:44 PM
My honey's family has some similar drama and disputes going on too. I don't know you personally and have not had much of a chance to interact with you here, but I do know that as a decent person you should not be going through this stress. I know it sounds hard to do, but please try not to stress about them too much. It is ok to not talk to them for a while if they are only causing grief in your life. You have the right to be happy and do not let people let you down just because they are born in the same family as you.
Take a nice long break, step back and try not to think about them.
Posted 30 April 2012 - 02:39 PM
I live 4,000km from my family and we get on perfectly. I sometimes wonder whether it was an unconscious decision to do so, to rid myself of past baggage. I have taken on a new life and name but I do the right thing and keep in touch from time to time with family.
Maybe you need to see a counsellor to talk about your problems in more depth.
Posted 30 April 2012 - 03:49 PM
Posted 01 May 2012 - 11:52 AM
I think it can be hard to forgive and have boundaries. In some ways, the internet has made it tougher. A break from your family seems healthy at this point; hopefully the military will grow your brother up.
Posted 02 May 2012 - 03:19 AM
Posted 15 May 2012 - 10:16 AM
Posted 19 June 2012 - 07:06 PM
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