12 replies to this topic

[tigerlily78]

This is mostly for my own benefit. You may read and ignore it you wish, I just need to get this out of my mind and be done with it....

I am really having a hard time of it recently with my brother... I mean based on the two times a year he calls me or TEXTS me to let me know what he wants for his birthday or Christmas I really have to assume he could really care less about me.

We just had a falling out over something he posted, which under the circumstances seemed pretty dang racist. Turns out it was an excerpt of something he wrote for school and is set in Vietnam. Well, if it was ME and I felt the need to post it to facebook, I'd probably have the sense to explain to people that the language was intentional based on a theme, and not representative of my own feelings towards any group of people.

But no... I am the bad guy, despite later saying that I understood in retrospect that the language was used for a different purpose, but retiterated that an explanation SHOULD have been given from the get go.

Well, now apparently I am a horrible good for nothing person that is "racist against my family" (probably because I am the same one that told someone in my family that going shoving someone and threatening them and then referring to their race and gender in your facebook status about it was potentially cause for them being charged with a hate crime... oh guess what happened? EXACTLY what I had described might happen) and he never wants to see or hear from me again.

Clearly there is a lot of built up baggage and my brother has taken this as the opportunity to spout off about everything under the sun that he disagrees with me about or dislikes about me... ironic since I used to change his diapers and feed him and drive him around and basically raise him while my mom was working... but you know know I haven't done a damn thing for him ever and I am just worthless because I don't make consumerism and working a 40 hour week my top priority. (I am fortunate not to have to, and my husband have made a conscious decision to split our time and energy between supporting our family and bettering our community).  

But you know, I have for a long time sent my siblings gifts that were more generous than they necessarily deserved and it's kind of a laugh that he has such strong opinions of me that must be based completely on what OTHER people say about me. Which leads me to rather resent my mom and my other brother who are definitively the source of all the bad mouthing. My mom is fantastic about making small talk and saying how much she loves and misses you on one hand, and fuming and ranting and bad mouthing you to every other person she has the chance.

It is all just getting to be too much for me to waste energy on. Add to the list of my sins that I haven't been home to visit in almost 4 years. Oh GEE. I wonder why I am not just dying to sink a bunch of money into travel and accomodations to go visit people who must only love me because I was born into their family.  Well EFF that. I have plenty of people in my life who actually like me for who I am and they CHOOSE to spend their time with me without having some bizarre tribalist obligation to "love" me and see me and send me seasonal gifts due to inconvenient lineage.

I am never going to live up to their lofty standard of being a backwater bigot who irrationally defends every action my "family" takes, particularly when the action or statement is absolutely wrong. Nor am I going to accept the notion that I am any less of a decent and accomplished person just because the majority of the productive things I do in addition to running a household do not generate a paycheck. I'd like to see my brother try to pull off even half the things I do.  There is also some fairytale in my mother's head that the only reason I live in a different state and am frugal with my money is because my husband is controlling and abusive. And it is one thing to have that delusion to validate your hurt feelings, but it is quite another to keep saying it to other people as if it is truth.

The thing that is really getting me right now, is that not that long ago I had to quarentine our family from my inlaws for a similar issue of interpersonal BS... and doing that has been one of the most beneficial things I have done for our family happiness in YEARS.  So... do I really need this drama from a little shithead kid who has never bothered to call or write except to ask for presents and who thinks he is suddenly some hardass American Hero since JUST joining the army?  He hasn't even been to field training yet!  It's really quite ridiculous how much I have NOT gotten out of this relationship.  I am finding it hard to figure out why I should even try to care. If your family can't do anything but bad mouth you behind your back and think heredity should excuse their every bad behavior... I don't see the benefit.

I think I am ready to pick and choose my family...   "a group of people who care about one another" and stop pretending that some people in my family deserve the title.

[Shortpoet-GTD]

You KNOW I love you sweetie, but you have to let this go.
They are family ONLY by birth.
I know it hurts.
Mine are a piece of work too, except for my Pop, but he's gone now.

"Family" can be anyone you chose them to be. You are a GOOD person, so you should surround yourself
with people that love you and appreciate you and forgot the rest, and move on.

Life is too short. Cherish your son and hubby and say goodbye to the rest.
(And shut down your facebook account. You won't know what you don't read, and who needs the stress?)
Be well.

[mariaandrea]

I really feel for you. I've been there and haven't spoken to anyone in my family in a couple of years and have no intention of doing so. I cut my father out of my life over a decade ago, and the others as time went on. I feel like I said everything I needed to say and the ball's in their court, except I'm not playing the game. It's really hard at first to let go, but you can do it. In a way, it's almost like someone died that you can't forget, but life goes on and happiness and peace are there for you. Surround yourself with the people you do love who you respect and who respect you. Family isn't about blood. It's about someone else's life being as important to you as your own. That's my benchmark for family. Oh, and just de-friend people on Facebook and set your privacy settings to the highest (friends only, and make sure you have it set so only friends can message you) and you'll never see that negativity again.

Good luck, it'll be okay. It's really good to rant about this stuff because it can help clarify what you want to do about it.

[zararina]

I could also relate on it and that is because we cannot choose who will be our family. Lol
I agree that we can choose who's going to be our family as we let them to be part of life. And really better to surround ourselves with people who also treat us as their family rather than keep those who just constantly hurting us or giving us stress.

[tigerlily78]

Thanks all for your kind words and encouragement. It's some how reassuring to know I am not the only one with such a disfunctional family that has driven you to extreme measures.

[Shortpoet-GTD]

tigerlily78, on 17 April 2012 - 09:30 AM, said:

Thanks all for your kind words and encouragement. It's some how reassuring to know I am not the only one with such a disfunctional family that has driven you to extreme measures.

Oi!
Hayden would run out of (data) room, if I got started on mine.

Bathe in the light of love I'm sending your way.   It'll get better.

[dconklin]

I am sorry you have to go through this.  It can be quite difficult, I have seen it around me.  My family is great (tho a bit nuts and yes drama), but my Dad has not talked with his family much for many years because of the way they treated him.  Out of everybody on my Dad's side of the family, I know a handful of people and have not seen any of them in years.  The way they treated my Dad has made me have 0 respect for them.  My Mom's side of the family is quite close (I have no brothers or sisters so I have to extend out a little.)  

My honey's family has some similar drama and disputes going on too.  I don't know you personally and have not had much of a chance to interact with you here, but I do know that as a decent person you should not be going through this stress.  I know it sounds hard to do, but please try not to stress about them too much.  It is ok to not talk to them for a while if they are only causing grief in your life.  You have the right to be happy and do not let people let you down just because they are born in the same family as you.

Take a nice long break, step back and try not to think about them.

[aspen]

Gee, that is quite some drama in your life. To share it here must be of some benefit as it seems you are a dedicated environmentalist trying to better things. One thing here is you are amongst like minded people. I find the groups I'm involved in, feel more like family whom I can relate with. When I go to gatherings and festivals I feel part of a family.There are even people I was involved with in protests   26 years ago who have fond memories we spent together. I see this on Facebook a bit.
I live 4,000km from my family and we get on perfectly. I sometimes wonder whether it was an unconscious decision to do so, to rid myself of past baggage. I have taken on a new life and name but I do the right thing and keep in touch from time to time with family.
Maybe you need to see a counsellor to talk about your problems in more depth.

[Shortpoet-GTD]

aspen, on 30 April 2012 - 02:39 PM, said:

Maybe you need to see a counsellor to talk about your problems in more depth.

Yeah like Allied movers,  North American Van Lines, United Van Lines; or if push comes to shove-
U-Haul.

[SpiroFlo]

Tough one indeed, so I feel for you in that.

I think it can be hard to forgive and have boundaries. In some ways, the internet has made it tougher. A break from your family seems healthy at this point; hopefully the military will grow your brother up.

[aspen]

Shortpoet-GTD, on 30 April 2012 - 03:49 PM, said:

Yeah like Allied movers,  North American Van Lines, United Van Lines; or if push comes to shove-
U-Haul.

I thought the same. But we can leave with some help from a counsellor to smooth things out.

[artistry]

We only get so many years here, what you do with that time is your choice. It looks as if you have given your family a lot of time and concern. As someone said, you should now give them up, turn it a loose. Enjoy your family, friends and people who are not vampires, who try to suck the life out of you. There will be less stress, pain and inner turmoil. Be happy, laugh and be free of things that cause you grief.  Life is way too short. Cheers.

[Mystique]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. However, it looked as if you've come to a decision where you're better off without them. IF that is what you want to do, then you should especially if it's going to save you the stress and heartache. It does seem like your brother is a selfish and self-absorbed man who does not realise that he is lucky to have you as a sister. I know that many people would feel the same way if they were in your shoes. I just hope that the decision that you have made will not haunt you in some ways and that you find peace from now onwards.